I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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