Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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