he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Randomize
