Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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