I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
it glows. i had to have it.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
