Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
