Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
