is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
