I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
