so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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