I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
