totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
