i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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