She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
