i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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