Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
