You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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