So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
