Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
