I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
