apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
