I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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