you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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