and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
