I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
