My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Found your dick twin last night
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
