I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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