I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
