Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
