he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
