And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
