Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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