Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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