The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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