stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
