how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
