he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
