Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Randomize
