it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
