Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
