his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
As shirtless as possible
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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