Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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