two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
