someone threw a dead crab at me
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
