Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
