It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
