moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
