i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You are a genius and a whore.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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