I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
