Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
